“The Elf Queen appeared in the doorway. Perhaps filled the doorway would be a better description. She was probably close to me in weight, but about two feet shorter. She was wearing a flaming red muumuu and white bunny slippers. Her arms dangled fat rolls, and I stopped counting chins at number five. Her blond hair was up in curlers, and her blue eyes were beady between layers of lard. Other than the pointy ears, there was not much magical here. She was a definite candidate for gastric bypass surgery. 

“Presenting Queen Ilrendelia. Ruler of the Elves of the Enchanted Forest. Mistress of all she sur-vaaays. Y’all have a good un.”He popped a Budweiser and went back into the trailer to watch wrestling. The Queen waddled over to her Lazy Boy recliner/throne and flopped into it with a satisfied grunt.

“Your Majesty. We have come to as for your wisdom. We seek knowledge,” Milo told her. 

“I don’t do spells no mo. I’m on disability. I done hurt my back. Get me a check from the gubmint, says I can’t do no spells no mo,” she said in a very plump and semiliterate voice.”

Larry Correia, Monster Hunter International